How To Be A News Reporter

hey everyone it's in my last video I

explained why you would all be better

off as strippers however some of you

have too many opinions for this career

and nobody likes a stripper with too

many opinions there's a much better

career choice for you folks become a

news reporter what do news reporters do

well things happen and someone tells the

reporter about it who then tells you and

we pay them a [ __ ] ton of money they

don't even have to take their clothes

off and here I thought you needed to

work to get money though politicians

seem to make a lot by not doing anything

so I should probably reevaluate my idea

of the value of labor anyway you can get

in on this action too and I'm going to

show you how in this video the first

step is to find a source a source is a

person who sees the things that happens

or not then tells you so you can tell

everyone else you don't actually have to

know the source he can be a Twitter

troll or a guy listening to a dude with

a police scanner posting on reddit or he

can be a total figment of your

imagination just call him a law

enforcement official then you can pretty

much make up whatever news you want now

that you have a source you need to make

sure you aren't wish you wash you with

your headlines no one will listen to

your reports if you use words like

allegedly or possible so just go ahead

and say what you want to say 12 people

dying instead of three is a much better

headline so print that or you can label

to random people as suspects in a

bombing that's not dangerous at all or

you could report on arrests that didn't

actually happen and look there's those

crafty law enforcement sources again

step 3

insert race as often as you can into

your reports if you're worried about

people being offended you could start by

saying something like I'm trying to be

sensitive or I'm not racist but and that

makes whatever follows okay just look at

how racial expert John King broke the

most relevant and accurate information

about the bombing well I wanna be very

careful about this because people get

very sensitive when you say these things

I was told by one of these sources

law enforcement official that this was a

dark-skinned male I'm making a personal

judgement forgive me but I think it's

the right judgment not to try to inflame

tensions a saying as a dark-skinned male

see how easy it is you also don't have

to mention race directly here is a great

example of cultural implication by

association as a reporter it's your job

to make sure people know what's

important step 4 speculate and blame

this is where most of the fun happens as

you can project your opinions into the

news

do you hate right-wing extremists blame

away maybe you hate foreigners pick a

group that imply a connection

remember nobody likes Senate Republicans

so you're free to blame them for just

about everything conspiracy theories are

always fun since everything bad that

happens is a secret government operation

sometimes your speculation will even be

accurate remember a broken clock is

still right 2 times a day and if you

have no news to report just be snarky

about the whole situation as you

probably guessed twitter is your best

friend for speculation

go ahead and tweet whatever the [ __ ] you

want and if you're proven wrong you can

delete those tweets who really needs

accountability that's it let me know

where you like to get your news so our

new aspiring journalists know where to

make [ __ ] up as always I have a story

Barry that's waiting for you to uncover

and until next time peace